Hey, Sarcastic Turtle, whatdoyathink?

A new semi-regular series...

I have issues, many, one of them is how to handle a dog who weighs about the same as a person and is meaner than most people. I never thought I'd find an animal meaner than a human, but there ya go, I'm talented like that. What is the best method for taming my beast?

Signed,

diabetic drip

Meaner than most people? Clearly, you are not among those who have met Dick Cheney. Can any creature, great or small, senile or rabid, be more mean-spirited than Dick Cheney? This guy shot a friend in the face! I doubt your dog would do that--at least to a friend.

Like Dick Cheney, some beasts are untamable. So you got to do the next best thing: Containment. If that doesn't work, euthanasia. But the Sarcastic Turtle generally doesn't support the death penalty--even for treacherous, amoral villains like Dick Cheney.

You don't say how old the dog is. Can you wait him out a couple years? Or are you in for it in the long haul? It seems unfair to try to pass off your problem to someone else, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.

Big dogs are hard to handle. Sarcastic Turtle owns a dog who is a mere 33 pounds and hard to handle. If your dog is truly dangerous, there is only one solution and you know what it is. Otherwise, it's like a marriage in which divorce is nearly impossible. I'm afraid you're stuck.

At least you're not living with Dick Cheney.

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Mr. Turtle,
How come nobody takes me seriously on my blog?
Thanks for helping,
Thomas

From what I can tell, your "blog" has one post. I guess technically, a blog can contain any number of posts, just like a diary could just be one entry. But in the words of G.O.B. Bluth: "COME ON!"

Clearly, your question is not serious. That, or you're an incredibly irrational person who expects great things to come to you with little effort and is perpetually disappointed.

Your blog posting even got several comments and thumbs, so that ain't so bad. You even got a comment from Open Salon's favorite troll. Skeptic Turtle's first post got zero comments or ratings. The second got a mere four comments (one of which was from him). How pathetic! If you’re hurt because the troll doesn’t take you seriously, don’t worry. That troll doesn’t take anyone seriously, including him or herself. (Breaking news: that troll is secretly Joan Walsh.)

Your post is pretty good too. If a bit long. But the Sarcastic Turtle should be careful in criticizing others for lack of brevity. It's that whole not throwing stones from a glass house thing.

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Dear Sarcastic, can a foil hat actually keep the CIA from bending my thoughts? Does it have to be heavy-duty, or will regular foil work?

P.S. I need an answer before Xmas eve, so I can be prepared when Santa breaks in.

Again, a letter writer who we assume is being silly. If not, we're dealing with a deranged individual and I have to be careful that my location cannot be traced.

Are you implying that Santa is in league with the CIA? If so, fear not. Santa works solo. What his game is, I don't know. But his agenda is his own.

The CIA's influence is exaggerated. They’re government employees. The same kind of civil servants that have mismanaged the IRS, the Defense Department, the Army Corps of Engineers, and FEMA. Even with the thought-bending technology handed to them on a platter, they'd probably take twenty years to get around to using it in any effective way.

No, you have to worry about the private sector. And their ability to pollute your mind cannot be deflected by a simple foil. Turn off the TV. Stop looking at billboards. Stop surfing the internet. Don't use your phone. Don't even open a phonebook. Keep a 10 mile radius between you and a mall at all times. Never engage with a conversation with someone in sales of any kind. These undercover agents are everywhere!

Basically you must leave society behind. Cut off all contact with other humans. Only then will you be free of outside corrupting influences. Well, that'd be true if it weren't for the inevitable voices in your head. Those voices may or may not be of your own invention.

In summation, do what you have to do, but don't think foil will make any damn difference.

P.S. Stay away from that sneaky pervert who calls himself Santa Claus. Even the CIA doesn't know what he's up to.

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The Sarcastic Turtle is here to help. (Or not.) Send any manner of question via email to the Sarcastic Turtle at sarcasticturtle@gmail.com.

Questions can be submitted anonymously or not. Your call.

When nonprofits come knocking, should you give?

Note: This post inspired by Lindsay Hoffman's unfortunate recent experience trying to work for social justice.

Note #2: This post's focus is how to give your political-orientated financial gifts. Of course there are other types of progressive causes. Any tips on evaulating the worthwhileness of union efforts, civil liberties, anti-media consolidation, good government, drug legalization, anti-death penalty, affordable housing, religious freedom, the separation of church and state, etc, are welcome.

And support non-political nonprofits doing key work in your community and around the world! My favorites are here and here.

*****

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Progressives rejoice! Obama has been elected! We can plan our January 20th parties heralding a new age and take a well-deserved breather at the remarkable turnaround.

Except we can't.

Much work needs to be done. And much of it by the worthy organizations that helped get Obama and Congressional progressives elected. They have used up their resources for November 4th and now must start putting their agenda into actual action.

So, if you think you don't have to send in that $50 check to the local family planning clinic, think again.

The need is still there. It's overwhelming. Who deserves the money that you don't have? Don't fret, because I'm here to give you some unsolicited advice.

Give to the organizations that do real work. Sometimes they're the ones you've heard of, often times they're not.

If it is a national organization, find out what kind of grassroots organizing they do?.Do they spend your money on fancy fundraising consultants to ask you for more money? Do they spend it on a couple of high priced lobbysists? Or are they actually engage in grassroots organizing of the citizenry? If they can't tell you what they do in our state and community, bid them adiuex.

If they're a national organization that does work in your state, see if you can send money directly to the local chapter/affiliate instead. The local folks are usually more cash starved. Some national organizations will tell you they pass along your donation to the state level. If they're not lying, they do so after taking a heavy cut that goes to fancy DC consultants, lobbyists, or expensive, multi-color print-filled binders for Board members and fancy pens.

*****

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Environmental groups. There are more environmental groups than there are people. How to figure that one out? I don't know what to tell you, except that you'll do better by going local. These big national and international enviros see your $50 check the same way: as an invitation to get a big donation from. They know that so many people out of 100 $50 donors will give them $5000 if asked enough. So, they'll spend a substantial portion of the $50 to resolicit you over and over and over again, even if you tell them not to. The smaller, local enviro will be ever so happy to put your $50 to good use.

GLBT organizations. Same thing. You might think that there is only one organization fighting for equal rights. But HRC is not alone. They could use some greater competition. Go check out the competition.

Reproductive health. (Moment of disclosure: I once worked for a NARAL affiliate but no longer have any connection to NARAL.) You can go two routes: political or direct services. If you want to protect the political right and support legislation that protects the right to choose and access to birth control and accurate sexuality education, give to your local NARAL affiliate (or the national organization). If you want to give to reproductive health services, Planned Parenthood is worthy, but there are many other sources that will put your dollars to even better use. Find out who the local independent family planning clinics are in your area. Give to one of many abortion assistance funds. I guarentee those funds will not go into fundraising or high-priced consultants.

UPDATE: These are the areas I know about. Does you have a perspective on nonprofits working on other progressive causes?

*****

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What about that young person who comes knocking at your door? Should the canvasser from a worthy organization get your check? Should you take their literature and send it in? It depends.

First, ask them if they work for the organization in question or a contractor like the "Fund for Public Interest Research" or "Hudson Bay Companies." If they pause or admit to working for a third party entity, offer them a drink of water and a bathroom visit, but no money. Suggest to them that there are better canvassing operations that actually do grassroots organizing and that they often pay better.

Second, do they know what they're talking about? Are they passionate about it? Or is it clearly a script? Sometimes it's hard to tell, but sometime's it's easy. Especially be wary if they've created a false sense of urgency. I remember being told that "Congress is voting on this next week." It was August and I knew that Congress was on vacation and not voting on anything. You shouldn't expect a young canvasser to be a policy expert, but they should have some additional information that's not on their prepared script.

If they pass the test, then do give them money. Yes, they make a bonus off your contribution. But it's a well-earned bonus. (Figure you're only 6 of 60 people they talk to that night who actually give them a contribution.) If you sent the money in, the organization would simply spend a comparable amount for time resoliciting you by mail (even if you request not to be contacted). So instead of a cut of your contribution going towards paper and postage, have it going to a hard-working activist who is talking to your annoying neighbors about important issues over several hours each night.

In this economy, you're helping someone keep a job too! Give them at least $20. A good canvasser will try to "bump" you up from that level. Don't be insulted. Just be clear on the amount you are willing to give. (I usually say "$10" and then "allow" them to talk me up to $20 or $25.)

So, give the canvasser a check and tell them not to contact you (unless you want newsletters, etc.) There's only a 50% chance the organization will respect it, but it's better for everyone if you take your name off the list unless you're going to give regularly scheduled contributions. Otherwise, they're losing their money on you.

If your request to not be contacted isn't respected, don't blame the canvasser. They don't want the organization to resolicit you either. They know that they themself or a colleague will be knocking on your door one year later and want you to give the check to them, not mail it in. Sometimes organization development directors ignore those requests. More often, organizations' data entry isn't perfect. We're talking about volunteers here.

*****

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The real world of nonprofit fundraising might make you cynical and say "screw it." That's the easy way out. Nonprofits have to be aggressive if they're going to fund their important work.

Donors are increasingly fickle. It takes an average of seven contacts before someone gives. You can be responsible by deciding the small number of groups you're going to give to, and give on a regular basis so they don't waste time chasing you. Tell other groups not to contact you if you're not going to give. Know that $100 to one group probably does more than two $50 contributions to two groups.

101 Words: June 1999

Inspired by Verbal Remedy and Somyr Perry, I've penned my own 101 word short story. As I don't write fiction, my story, like Verbal Remedy's, is true.

*****

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A summer day. I lived off campus. Working just 15 hours a week, I was underemployed, but had free time.

On my bike, go buy a bagel sandwich on Division Street, and continue meandering around.

On the sidewalk, is that who I think it is?

We chat. She’s canvassing. Suggests that I apply for a canvassing job. I’m noncommittal.

I eat the sandwich by the river. I reflect on where my life is going. Perhaps I should apply and see if I can be a professional activist?

She trains me. I quit in two weeks.

Two years later we were married.

How to start class warfare

We live in a capitalist country, where all aspire to be rich. In political campaigns, the charge of inciting class warfare is effective because most Americans, regardless of their class, don't want to go down that road.

But if real class warfare is to occur, this is how:

Regents discuss beer sales at new stadium

Minnesota Public Radio - November 14, 2008

"University of Minnesota president Robert Bruininks is asking the Board of Regents to allow the school to sell beer and wine at its new TCF Bank football stadium.

"But drinks would only be available to fans in premium seats that range in price from $1,800 to $3,000 a season, or in private suites that cost up to $45,000 a year.

"Regent John Frobenius says he's concerned how the public will view the arrangement.

"'We're going to a new stadium, and the message is high-spending supporters have access to alcohol, medium-spending supporters do not,' said Frobenius. 'And that is a little gnawing at me that makes me a just a little uncomfortable with that.'" [emphasis mine]

Yes. Ya think people might have a problem with that?!? The people in the cheap seats don't even have the luxury of over-paying for watered down beer? But those in the corporate-sponsored boxes, they'll be able to get liquored up. And I'm sure it won't be with the cheap stuff.

The Board of Regents delayed taking action on the proposal for now; but they have to know this isn't a sustainable solution. People will be up in arms. The proposed alcohol divide is all in the name to keep the evil corrupting influence of alcohol out of the hands of the underage students who are forced to sit in the poor seats.

How soon on election night will we know the winner

How soon on election night will we know the winner? When can we celebrate? Will it be mere minutes after the polls close in the East? Or are we going to have to brace for a late night like in recent elections?

On election night all those experts will have their fancy maps and go through scenario after scenario, plugging in the pieces of the puzzle as they trickle in. "ABC News calls New Hampshire for John McCain. This is what else McCain will have to win to get to 270..." blah blah blah.

I've made an election night cheat sheet to use yourself. When can the election be called?

The point is here not to predict when and how the media will call the election. Based on past experiences, they don't call states until the polls close there. So while we all know where California is going, the media won't put it blue on their nifty maps until after 11:00 PM EST. This is to help see when you yourself can feel confident to call the election ahead of the media.

First, we have a darn good idea how 34 states and the District of Columbia are going to go. Using Pollster's current weighed poll margins, I've preemptively put the states with 10 point or more margins with their candidate. (Notice the list doesn't include Virginia or even Arizona.) This is a hyper-conservative way to call the states.

OBAMA: 238 votes (ME, NH, VT, MA, RI, CT, NY, NJ, DE, MD, DC, MI, WI, MN, IL, IA, CA, OR, WA, HI)
MCCAIN: 123 votes (AK, ID, WY, UT, NE, KS, OK, TX, AR, LA, AL, TN, KY, SC, WV)

* - swing states

At 7:00 EST polls close in GA*, IN*, KY, SC, VT & VA*

• If the media calls Virginia for Obama, he's at 251 with about 12 swing states left to call.
• If the media calls Virginia and Georgia for Obama, he's at 266 with about 12 swing states left to call.
• If the media calls Virginia and Indiana for Obama, he's at 262 with about 12 swing states left to call.
• If the media calls Virginia, Georgia and Indiana for Obama, he wins with 277 already
• If McCain surprises by somehow winning Virginia, get ready for a longer night. That only puts McCain up to 136, but it might be indicative of how Pennsylvania and Ohio will go.

At 7:30 EST polls close in OH*, NC* & WV (We'll see how well the vote counting and exit polls go in Ohio!)

• If VA has been called for Obama, but not IN or GA, winning Ohio alone gets him to 271. He wins.
• If VA has been called for Obama, but not IN or GA, winning North Carolina but not Ohio gets him to 266 with a number of states still in question.
• If VA and IN have been called for Obama, winning either Ohio or North Carolina clinches it.
• If VA and GA have been called for Obama, winning either Ohio or North Carolina clinches it.
• If VA, GA and IN have been called for McCain, but Obama wins Ohio, he's at 258 with Florida, Missouri and a number of western states still in question.
  
• If McCain has swept VA, GA and IN, and then Ohio and North Carolina, he's only at 174 to Obama's 238. But it would appear that the remaining states in question could just about all break his way.

At 8:00 EST polls close in AL, CT, DE, FL*, IL, ME, MD, MA, MS*, MO*, NH, NJ, OK, PA*, TN, DC (We'll see how the vote counting and exit polls go in Florida!)

• If Obama is called to win Pennsylvania, he wins if any other previous or contemporary swing state is called for him (OH, NC, FL, MS, or MO). Otherwise, Obama is at 259 with PA alone. If McCain gets everything else called his way by this point, he'd have 241. (Obama would need to win CO and one more state, like NV or NM.)
• If Obama is called to win Florida, he wins if any other previous or contemporary state in question is called for him (OH, NC, MS, MO, or PA). Otherwise, Obama is at 265 with FL alone. (If McCain gets everything else called his way by this point, Obama just needs NM or CO or NV to win.)
  
• If Obama improbably wins Missouri, but not Pennsylvania or Florida, he's at 249 and we're going to have to wait for the western states.
• If McCain sweeps Pennsylvania, Mississippi, Missouri and Florida, after sweeping all the earlier called swing states (OH and NC), he's at 262. (McCain would then only need to secure AZ or CO, or the combinations of SD-ND-MT, or NV with any other state or NM with any other state.)

At 8:30 EST polls close in AR

At 9:00 EST polls close in AZ*, CO*, KS, LA, MI, MN, NE, NM*, NY, RI, SD*, TX, WI, WY (If we don't know already, we'll likely know the winner once these states are called.)

• If McCain has swept every swing state thus far, Arizona or Colorado or the New Mexico-South Dakota combination wins it for him.
  
• If McCain has swept every swing state thus far, except PA, Colorado or Arizona plus either New Mexico or South Dakota wins it for Obama. CO is a must win for Obama if the election is still up in the air. In this situation, if McCain wins AZ, CO, NM, and SD, McCain would be one state shy of winning. If Obama takes CO and McCain takes AZ, NM and SD, Obama has 268 and would need just one more of the remaining 3 swing states.
• If McCain has swept every swing state thus far, except OH, it's virtually the same situation as the previous scenario. (OH has 20 electoral votes and PA has 21.)
  
• If McCain has swept every swing state thus far, except VA, how these four states break would make a big difference. Either candidate getting both Arizona and Colorado puts them within one state of winning (SD, NM, NV, MT, or ND). In the most likely scenario that Obama takes Colorado and McCain takes Arizona, whoever takes three of the remaining five states provided that one of the three is NV or NM, will win. (In the unlikely scenario of McCain taking NV and NM, and Obama taking ND, SD, MT, we'll have a 269-269 tie.)
• If McCain has swept every swing state except VA and MO (or IN), Colorado or Arizona wins it for Obama If McCain gets Colorado and Arizona, Obama getting New Mexico puts him at 267, needing South Dakota to win, or to wait to snag ND, NV, or MT to win. If McCain gets Colorado, and Arizona, and New Mexico, and Obama gets South Dakota, Obama would be at 265 (to 262), needing to get NV or MT-ND to win. If McCain gets all four states (CO, AZ, NM, SD), he'd have 265 to Obama's 262. (McCain would win unless Obama got NV as well as either ND or MT.)
  
• If McCain has swept every swing state thus far, except FL, Obama would be at 265 and only need Arizona, Colorado or New Mexico. Obama could lose all three and still win with South Dakota plus one more state (MT, ND, or NV). If McCain wins all four states, he'd still be trailing with 262 to Obama's 265 electoral votes. (Obama could win with NV or MT-ND.)

At 10:00 EST polls close in IA, MT*, NV* & UT

• Montana and Nevada matter if McCain has swept just about every swing state and we're close to an electoral vote tie. In most scenarios (see in the previous state entries), Obama wins with Nevada or needs Nevada to win with Montana or the yet-to-close-their-polls North Dakota.
  

At 11:00 EST polls close in CA, HI, ID, ND*, OR, WA

• Could North Dakota decide it? Maybe. If McCain swept every swing state except FL and MT (or SD), we'd be looking at Obama at 268 and McCain at 267. North Dakota's three electoral votes determine the winner.
• If McCain sweeps every swing state except CO and PA (or OH), we have the same electoral vote set-up. This is not an entirely implausible situation.

At 1:00 EST polls close in AK

*****

Of course this exercise assumes some accuracy in the current understanding of the electoral map. If either candidate wins a state seen as solid for the other, all bets are off. Most likely that means a landslide either way. If McCain wins Michigan, he's probably going to win the election handedly. If Obama wins Tennessee, he's probably going to win the election handedly.

The assumption also is that states will be called by the media in the order they finish voting. We can guess that contentious swing states might take some time before they're called. Some states like Ohio and Florida might have some trouble counting their votes in a timely manner.

My suggestion for election night would be to go over to 270towin.com with their interactive map. Color all states that are solid McCain or Obama ahead of time, and then complete the swing states as they are called throughout election night. You don't need to listen to the "experts" with their fancy graphics--you can do it yourself.

Won't get fooled?

In an effort to keep my electoral optimism in check, I present "Won't Get Fooled Again" from The Who.



I'm not really as cynical as this song. But it does underscore how difficult true change is.

Lyrics to Won't Get Fooled Again

We'll be fighting in the streets
With our children at our feet
And the morals that they worship will be gone
And the men who spurred us on
Sit in judgement of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun sings the song

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again

The change, it had to come
We knew it all along
We were liberated from the foe, that's all
And the world looks just the same
And history ain't changed
'Cause the banners, they all flown in the next war

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
No, no!

I'll move myself and my family aside
If we happen to be left half alive
I'll get all my papers and smile at the sky
For I know that the hypnotized never lie

Do ya?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

There's nothing in the street
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
And the parting on the left
Is now the parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss

I just switched by vote

What's this about? Last week in a nasty shareholder dispute in a Texas marine company, one of the many lawsuit charges against the majority shareholder and Norm Coleman friend involved a $75,000 payment to the insurance company that employs the Senator's wife as an independent contractor. Neither the Senator nor his wife have been sued or even directly accused of wrongdoing. The Colemans deny the allegations. The Coleman campaign immediately accused the Franken campaign of orchestrating the whole thing, which defies credibility. Franken rightly swung back and accused Coleman of lying to the people of Minnesota by saying Franken was responsible.

The Democrats are not to be out down, so the DSCC ran the above ad. So we don't need to worry about presumed innocence or the lack of evidence so far. While there very well may be something to these accusations (I put nothing past Norm Coleman), with the current facts this ad amounts to unsubstantiated character assassination. The Senator running away from reporters without answering questions presumes guilt. (Even though Coleman did respond to reporters quickly to vehemently deny any wrongdoing.)

Is Franken responsible? Not directly. His campaign legally has nothing to do with the DSCC. But both Franken and Coleman have been responsible for the dirty, vindictive tone of this race. They should both be blamed when their allies follow their lead.

I've been considering to vote for Independence Party candidate Dean Barkley for months. I like where he stands on most issues. The only problem is that he is unlikely to win (though he's polling in the upper teens) and that the stakes are high. It makes me sick to think of Coleman representing Minnesota for another six years. The improbable, but still possible, Democratic capture of 60 Senate seats cannot occur without a Democratic win in Minnesota. One Senate seat could be decisive on a number of vital issues, including on Supreme Court nominations.

Turtle's Tips: Bizarre web show

Remember way back when the television writers' strike was going on? We were all lamenting our lack of continuous, fresh media content to digest. Many of us went to the web, where original video content was flowing on a daily basis. A new media era was proclaimed. Television was dead.

Then the strike ended. The networks got their shows back up and running. People returned to the comfort of Two and a Half Men and whatnot.

I'm here to tell you there are still good web series out there. Principally hosted by Blip.tv.

A show that is way under-appreciated is Motherhoodlum. Now in its second season, Motherhoodlum tells the tales of Emily, a pretentious performance artist coping with unexpected parenting and the relationship with her fiance, Marty the accountant. They conceived after their first date.

The main characters are pretty screwed up, but everyone else they encounter are more wacky. There's the sex-and-relationship guru, who sneaks out early as he makes the couple do a relaxation exercise. There's the sought after nanny, who is the one doing the interview, not Emily. There's Emily's desperate sister, who is upset at Emily for discovering her boyfriend is just a con artist using kids as props to score with other women at the playground. Emily has her own problems. She's a compulsive liar and has been kicked out of 5, no 6, different mommy groups.

Here's the most recent episode. It's six minutes long. If you want to start from the beginning of the series, check out the archives. Warning: This episode, as well as many others, feature frank talk about sex and a fair amount of strong language.

A Womb Of One’s Own

• Flash
• | QuickTime
• | iPod

Motherhoodlum is hosted by Offsprung.com, a wonderful parent community that proclaimes "Your life didn't end when theirs began." It was started by writer and occasional Salon contributor Neal Pollock and also hosts Open Salon's Heather Ryan AKA Terrible Mother.

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Turtle's Tips is a semi-regular feature on which I shine the light on some little known art, movie, show, music, food, or anything else under the sun. It's a showcase of what I like.

Turtle's Voting Guide: The whole darn ballot

Recently Slate magazine published how their staff were planning on voting in the presidential election under some notion of providing transparency. I know people are clambering, clambering I say, to know how I'm going to vote.

Well, maybe I haven't decided yet? Did you ever consider that?

I'll at least leave you with my thoughts the choices from the top of the ticket to the local questions on my own ballot. This is ballot for Minneapolis Ward 9, Precinct 1 in Minnesota. Incumbents have a *. You can make your own assumptions on how I will vote.

PRESIDENT

• Chuck Baldwin, Cons - The Constitution Party are kind of like libertarians, except that they are hell-bent to ban abortion and aren't so thrilled with the separation between church and state.
• Bob Barr, Lib - Got to hand it to Bob Barr. He's his own person.
• Roger Calero, SWP - I checked out his campaign website, which is hosted by the socialist newspaper he edits, The Militant, which might be a violation of federal campaign and tax law.
• John McCain, R-While I wouldn't have voted for McCain in 2000, I had respect for him. I no longer hold any respect for him.
• Cynthia McKinney, Grn - I generally don't vote for people who assault police officers. Conspiracy theorists turn me off too.
• Ralph Nader, Indep - Nader probably has the biggest ego in this race; and keep in mind that he's competing for that title with Obama, McCain, Barr, AND McKinney.
• Barack Obama, D - He's a centrist. He's less liberal than John Kerry. But he's a pragmatic and principled centrist. He actually has some plans to deal with our most pressing problems. Plus, I'm more confident that he'll try a couple things first before starting a war.

U.S. SENATE

• Charles Aldrich, Lib - I once tabled at the Minnesota Libertarian Party convention. It was creepy.
• Dean Barkley, I - Barkley is a principled centrist. He has mostly well thought-out policy positions and a couple of screwy ones that will go nowhere so who cares. A reasonable choice.
• Norm Coleman, R* - Coleman is hands-down the most slimy politician in Minnesota, possibly the Midwest. Seriously, he is a do-and-say-anything-to-get-elected guy. Coleman spent 4 years kissing Bush's ass and the last two running away from him. On the eve of the 2006 election all of a sudden he thought that there were problems with the Republican agenda in Washington and the way the war in Iraq was going. Norm must go.
• Al Franken, D - I liked Al Franken a lot in his previous careers. His play-it-safe, tone-deaf campaign has been underwhelming. But he understands public policy and would vote mostly the right way (party line).
• James Niemackl, Cons - According to the Star Tribune, he is a "member of the Knights of Columbus and Fraternal Order of Police." Enough said.

MINNESOTA SUPREME COURT AND APPEALS COURT
SUPREME COURT ASSOCIATE JUSTICE
Seat 3

• Paul H. Anderson * - A respected incumbent associate justice. He was "found qualified" by the Minnesota Women Lawyers.
• Tim Tingelstad - Has fought to politicize judicial races. Told the Star Tribune: "I believe that justice is served when judges fear God and love the people." Unsurprisingly the religious right wants him elected really bad. He was not found qualified by the Minnesota Women Lawyers.

Seat 4

• Lorie Skjerven Gidea * - Gidea is a recent appointee and seen as a Tim Pawlenty lackey with little prior judicial experience. Although the Minnesota Women Lawyers found her to be qualified.
• Deborah Hedlund - Hedlund has also been found qualified by the Minnesota Women Lawyers. I hear that she's kind of crazy in the courtroom. Her campaign YouTube videos are uninspiring.

APPEALS COURT JUDGE
Seat 1

• Edward Toussaint *- Only one in the race!

Seat 8

• Thomas J. Kalitowski *- Only one in the race!

Seat 9

• Roger M. Klaphake *- Only one in the race!

Seat 10

• Harriet Lansing *- Only one in the race!

Seat 15

• Kevin G. Ross *- Only one in the race!

Seat 16

• Dan Griffith - Griffith is running on a platform that judges should be elected, not appointed. He was not found qualified by the Minnesota Women Lawyers.
• Terri J. Stoneburner * - The incumbent has been endorsed by the Academy of Certified Trial Lawyers and found qualified by the Minnesota Women Lawyers.

SALES TAX AMENDMENT

• Constitutional amendment: Increase state sales tax by 0.375% to pay for environmental and cultural programs.

Details: "Tax increase amounts to 38 cents on a $100 purchase. Money would be divided among projects related to clean drinking water (33%), natural areas and wildlife habitat (33%), parks and trails (14.25%) and arts and culture (19.75%). Must be approved by a majority of all voters - not voting on the question counts as a "no" vote."
Think of it this way: When you go to Target and buy some diapers, some baby wipes, a cheap plastic toy, vitamins and Advil, oh and then a birthday present for your daughter's friend's six year old birthday party, you might find yourself astonished it all added up to a $100!. Money is tight these days. But if you're spending $100 at Target, you can afford to chip in 38 cents that --with everyone else's contribution--will do tremendous things to clean our waterways, have state parks that are open on Memorial Day weekend, and maybe stop our community theaters from closing. The Legislature and Governor haven't been able to agree to fund our long-term priorities for a couple of decades, so it's up to the voters.

U.S. HOUSE
District 5

• Barb Davis White, R
• Keith Ellison, D*-Remember two years ago the contention in the congressional race here? People were freaking out that a "radical," black Muslim would go to Congress. The world didn't fall apart and all those local DFLers spitting venom two years ago are now oddly quiet.
• Bill McGaughey, I

MINNESOTA HOUSE
District 62A

• Jim Davnie, D*-Davnie has spent his time in St. Paul working for education reform and funding, addressing the foreclosure crisis, and defending personal equality, among many other things.
• Dave Shegstad, R-The local crank on Minnehaha Avenue. Shegstads the one who three years before anyone heard of Sarah Palin told us in his write-in City Council run that the "real people" supported him even though evidently the real voters didn't.

4TH DISTRICT COURT
Seat 9

• Philip D. Bush * - Endorsed by Republicans, Democrats, and even a union.
• Eugene Link - I can't find anything on the web about the guy. Honestly, why waste voters' time running if you can't put up a simple website or answer the Star Tribune questionnaire?

Seat 53

• David L. Piper - Piper has gotten the endorsements of numerous prominent Democrats and Republicans, as well as local law enforcement and judicial officials. He was found qualified by the Minnesota Women Lawyers. Umm, and e has a very lawyerly name.
• Jane Ranum - Ranum has gotten the endorsements of numerous prominent Democrats and Republicans, as well as local law enforcement and judicial officials. She was found qualified by the Minnesota Women Lawyers. Ranum is a former excellent state senator. It'd be nice to have some more qualified women in the judiciary.

Seat 58

• Thomas F. Haeg - Haeg has gotten the endorsements of numerous prominent Democrats and Republicans, but mostly the wrong ones. He was found qualified by the Minnesota Women Lawyers.
• James T. Swenson * - Swenson has gotten the endorsements of numerous prominent Democrats and Republicans, but mostly the wrong ones. He was found qualified by the Minnesota Women Lawyers. Perhaps go with the incumbent, even though he's endorsed by Rich Stanek?

HENNEPIN COUNTY SOIL AND WATER SUPERVISOR
Seat 1

• Kim N. Boyce * - Only choice. Yay!

Seat 3

• Richard A. Klatte - His most important issue is: "Global Warming. Making big oil companies pay for cleaning the air, water, and soil they've destroyed." Good luck taking down Big Oil on the Hennepin County Soil and Water Board!
• Ben Torell - "Balancing the Preservation of our Natural Resources while endorsing responsible enjoyment of the outdoors." He's an ATV enthusiast.
• James Wisker - Has a "Bachelor of Science in Ecology, Evolution and Behavior and am currently employed as the Program Manager for the Regulatory Department at Minnehaha Creek Watershed District." Hey, maybe we want someone actually qualified for this position!
• Rahn V. Workcuff - "I strongly agree that a marriage should be only between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of same sex marriages. I strongly agree that all MN residence should have affordable health insurance. even if it means new or added cost to businesses. I strongly agree that we dont (sic) need anymore increase in taxes, we are all ready being taxed to death." He's more ambitious than the Klatte taking on Big Oil!

Seat 5

• Jeffrey A. Beck - Says good things about utilizing ecological principles, but can't write in complete sentences or use punctuation in his position statement.
• Karl Hanson - Wants to protect private property rights. I'm torn.

MINNEAPOLIS SCHOOL DISTRICT

• Operating levy: $585 per pupil increase

"$172 tax increase on a $213,000 house. Total per pupil levy if passed: $1,200. To hire more teachers, keep class sizes down, purchase technology and textbooks and improve reading, math and science programs."
The state and federal governments aren't doing their job funding education, so this is the way we have to do it. Improving the schools has a direct impact on housing values, so it's in everyone's best interest to approve the levy.

• Referendum: Expand school board and elect some members by district

"Minneapolis voters will decide whether to expand the city's school board from seven to nine seats with three elected citywide and six elected by districts, similar to the city's Park and Recreation Board. All are now elected citywide. If approved, the plan would be phased in over two voting cycles."
This measure is thanks to legislation forwarded by Rep. Jim Davnie and supported by the entire Minneapolis legislative delegation. The School Board had an opportunity to put it into effect and move forward, but instead the incumbents chose to fight it by putting it on the ballot and delaying implementation two more years. The current school board, while greatly improved from 4 years ago, is not accountable. Voters don't know who to hold accountable for our failing schools right now. When I wrote each member of the school board about this proposal, only two even responded back to me. That solidified my belief that the current structure doesn't encourage accountability when you have 7 at-large representatives from the entire city.

School Board Member - 3 seats
Vote for 3

• Carla Bates - Endorsed by the DFL and SEIU. What else do you need?
• Jill Davis - Endorsed by the DFL, the AFL-CIO, SEIU and the teacher's union. What else do you need?
• Sharon Henry-Blythe * -Has been an incumbent too long and part of the problem.
• Lydia Lee * - Lee is running for her second term and has done a good job. A quality board member despite her opposition to the school board reform plan. Endorsed by the DFL, SEIU and the teacher's union. What else do you need?
• Doug Mann - Local crank that got kicked out of the local NAACP for being disruptive. At least he has a website.
• Kari Reed - She homeschools her five children. She opposes the current levy proposal because the schools evidently don't need more money, but "creative solutions" like homeschooling and charter schools. I think we know where her priorities lie. She'd be a nightmare on the Board.

Deconstructing relationship advice for women

I was searching for something to read and came across the wife's Women's Health magazine. After skimming through a profile of The Daily Show's Samantha Bee, the next page was the article 15 moments that define a relationship.

Ah, what wisdom will Women's Health impart to the female* masses?

Bold type are excerpts from the article, followed by my commentary. Their advice:

1. Your first talk till dawn
I suppose this makes sense. My wife is not a night person, so I don't think our 9 year relationship is completely solidified yet.

2. The first kiss
Sure, but often a first kiss is awkward and not of the fireworks variety. Does that mean the relationship is doomed? Doomed?!?
3. When he introduces you as "my girlfriend"
Because he's no longer completely embarrassed by you and will acknowledge knowing you!

4. The first morning after... "You want coffee?" he asks the next morning... Please, he' saying by the ease of his actions, stay.
Again, because it's all about how he feels, not you. I like that the guy being casual and politely offering coffee after sex means that he's a keeper.

5. Finding the nerve to say "I love you"... What if he stares at us blankly? What if we're saying it too soon...
It's all about how he responds to the proclamation, not when he says it or demonstrates it.

6. The first time you write "we" in an email to your friends
I remember this well--the codependency stage of the relationship.

7. The first time you fight and make up
I suppose this makes sense. Though my wife and I argued even before we were together--and still do!

8. The first trip together
I can't argue with this one. The most effective test of a relationship is the road trip. My first road trip with my future wife was a week into our relationship. We pilled ourselves and three others into the cramped Mazda Protege and drove 12 hours overnight to Michigan. Maybe they mean a roadtrip alone. Even so, the fact that we didn't kill each other or our companions on that nightmare drive boded well. There were some close moments...

9. The first time you grocery shop together
Nothing is as sexy and romantic as wading through a crowded grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, arguing over what kind of vegetable oil to get. This item goes on to say:
...to watch this man slip a family-sized Fruit Loops into the basket with a dopey grin on his face--that's when you realize you still have worlds to learn about each other.
Remember, it's all about you learning about him. He doesn't need to learn anything about you.

10. The first time he lets you control his car/remote/iPod I'm beginning to sense a theme. He gives you some time with the remote--he is so whipped; and he is so much in your clutches. And check out the accompanying picture! He's giving her the remote so that he can surf the web. How generous!

11. The moment you see a future with him
Does he see a future with you? Doesn't matter.

12. When you notice you are no longer primping for him
It worked the opposite way with my wife and I. It was a sign that our relationship was going somewhere when she successfully convinced me to do something about my hair style (or lack there-of) and to diversify my clothing selection.

13. Going to the doctor together for the first time... because now you need to be healthy for each other.
It's Women's Health magazine after all and they have to throw in something topical about being healthy.

14. When you care for something together
The examples of "something" they give are a "tomato garden" or a "drooling French bulldog." I still don't let anyone, including my wife, interfere with my tomato garden. What does that say about our relationship? We did have a plant early on. It died.

15. When you commit--we're talking long-term commit--to each other... it's a watershed moment when you find yourself so profoundly lucky that someone you adore so much feels exactly the same way about you.
The first instance in the list where his express thoughts about the relationship, versus "signs" like being offered coffee or a remote, count for something. I guess number 3 is him calling you his "girlfriend," but otherwise nothing else he says is considered a watershed moment in the relationship.

*****

* It appears the Women's Health doesn't have any advice for gay or bi women; or at least assume they don't read their magazine.

October 25, 2002

October 25 is the anniversary of the death of Senate Paul Wellstone. Wellstone, his wife and daughter, supporters, and two pilots died in a plane crash in northern Minnesota ten days before the 2002 election day.

I was working for an advocacy organization working to get the pro-choice vote out in order to get Paul Wellstone reelected. The loss of a great advocate and the loss of the election were double blows that crushed the spirit of the progressive community in Minnesota. It is still recovering.

I had met Paul Wellstone on a couple of occasions. I had lobbied him to do more on the crushing Iraq sanctions. I met his daughter, Marcia, a couple weeks earlier when she came to a rally we held to underscore the importance of the Senate race for the balance of the Supreme Court.

On the day of the plane crash, I was to join a bunch of activists to ride on the campaign green bus from St. Paul to Duluth, to watch the U.S. Senate debate that evening. Before leaving the office, we heard that the campaign's plane was missing. We stopped and waited. A little while later, Minnesota Public Radio confirmed that the plane had crashed and everyone aboard had died.

We didn't just lose a Senate seat. We didn't just lose a great Senator. We lost one of the great leaders of the progressive movement. Wellstone had been in the Senate for two terms, but was just starting to find ways (and seniority) to make a difference. He was much further to the left than most voters in Minnesota, but people respected him tremendously. This short, feisty, screaming, Jewish, college professor originally from North Carolina stood out like a sore thumb in Minnesota, a state that is reflected more accurately by Garrison Keillor than the reserved natives would care to admit.

Wellstone's vote against the Iraq war resolution shortly before his death was the bravest act of his political career. George Bush started 2002 with a 85% approval rating. Those were the days that just about everyone in the political and media establishment agreed that Iraq constituted a grave threat. Bill Clinton was for it. Al Franken was for it. Even Dan Savage was for it.

Not Paul Wellstone. His vote was seen as political suicide by Beltway pundits. Of course they were wrong. His standing in the polls were not hurt by his vote. Minnesotans respected his convictions deeply, even though many of them disagreed with his vote on the most pressing issue of the day.

So many stories abound about how Paul Wellstone touched individuals. I remember talking to the cashier at the grocery store. She told me about working at the airport and seeing Paul Wellstone on his frequent trips between DC and the Twin Cities--usually outside baggage claim where she was taking a cigarette break. He would always say hi to her and gently chastise her for smoking. One day, he stepped it up and flat out told her she needed to quit. A few weeks later, she quit smoking and gave him the credit for making her do it.

Today Salon's Thomas Shaller wrote: "If Al Franken holds on to beat Norm Coleman to retake the seat Wellstone once held, Franken has some rather big shoes to fill."

But for better or for worse, in the minds of progressives in Minnesota, no person will ever be truly worthy of Paul Wellstone's seat. While I may very well vote for Al Franken, I know he is no Paul Wellstone. While Paul Wellstone convinced airport workers to quit smoking, Al Franken is known for not tipping airport cabbies. While Paul Wellstone lived his convictions regardless of the potential political consequences, Al Franken is running a centrist, DLC, play-it-safe campaign. So in my mind, Al Franken could never be anything like Paul Wellstone, neither could any other living person.

Certainly, Franken or the third party candidate Dean Barkley, would make immeasurable improvements and no longer constitute the stain on Wellstone's seat that is Norm Coleman. Coleman was elected in a wave of anti-Democratic sentiment after Republicans milked the "controversy" of Wellstone's "funeral-slash-rally" for all that it was worth. In a show of how classy he is, Coleman told the Roll Call newspaper six months after Wellstone's death that "To be very blunt and God watch over Paul's soul, I am a 99 percent improvement over Paul Wellstone. Just about on every issue."

If you talk to a progressive from Minnesota about October 25, 2002, you will hear how those deep wounds persist to this day. While Barack Obama is no Paul Wellstone, an Obama victory and the punting of Norm Coleman from Wellstone's seat would be two ever-sweet victories. It would make us feel that we were living up to Wellstone's legacy at least in part.

Aren't I smart?

Last August, before John McCain picked Sarah Palin, and right before we learned Barack Obama picked Joe Biden, I made a back-of-the-envelope electoral college prediction.  In the following weeks I've watched states change back and forth at pollster.com and felt mighty stupid--especially with my prediction that Montana would go to Obama.  But now let's compare my prediction two months ago with pollster.com's map two weeks out:

If all the states that Pollster.com rates as toss-up break to McCain as he throws the last minute Ayers and Wright dirt at Obama, except for the enlightened people of Montanta, I'll have predicted each state's vote perfectly. If the good people of Omaha, Nebraska and suburbs vote for Obama, that additional electoral vote will match with my crazy prediction of Obama winning with 290.

Sure, sure, a lot can change in the next two weeks and we don't know how the toss-up states will break. I'm just saying I don't look as crazy as I thought I looked myself a short time ago.

Post script: Let me be clear, in any case I'd much prefer a wider margin Obama win. My ego could take being drastically wrong.

Congresswoman calls Barack, Michelle, others, anti-American

Can anyone say, Joe McCarthy?

After she was on, Matthews asks Pat Buchanan his thoughts and whether any members of Congress were "anti-American." He doesn't think so. When you're way out further than Pat Buchanan, you're pretty crazy! Minnesotans have been waiting for Rep. Michele Bachmann to make an embarrassment of herself since she was elected in 2006. She gets into the anti-American accusation after the three minute point.

She also attacks Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, college professors, students, and leftists, and their friends.

New blog: McCain Hand Quotes

Check out McCain Hand Quotes to see how John McCain really thinks!


Inspired by McCain's "Quote HEALTH":

You tell me

Frankenstein & Bride of Frankenstein
OR
Robot McCains destroy New York City?

Tiebreaker? Obama tries to snag Omaha

For most of us regardless of political persuasion, I present a nightmare scenario:

<p><strong>><a href='http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008/pick-your-president/'>2008 Election Contest: Pick Your President</a></strong> - Predict the winner of the 2008 presidential election and enter to win a $500 prize.</p>

An electoral college tie, in which case (as long as there are no faithless electors) the House of Representatives will decide who fills the White House in 2009. We have not seen this situation since the Adams-Jefferson contest in 1800.

Yeah, yeah, I know this is unlikely. If you believe Pollster and other sources, Obama will comfortably win next month. But a tie is within the realm of the possible.

Let's suppose McCain and Obama win the states as shown above. You could have a situation where an electoral vote is pealed off in Maine or Nebraska, the two states that don't award all their electoral votes carte blanch. The Obama campaign has evidently put some resources in Omaha, home of the second congressional district. If Obama won the majority of the vote in Nebraska's 2nd, he'd get one more electoral vote and win 270 to McCain's 268. Nebraska awards 2 of its electoral votes to the statewide winner and 1 each for the winner of its 3 congressional districts.

Is that at all likely to happen? Short answer: Maybe. Omaha is more Democratic than the rest of the state, but this is still Nebraska after all.

In both 2004 and 2000, Douglas County (which contains 4 out of 5 voters in the district) voted for Bush by 18% and 16% respectively. Of course, compare that to the state as a whole, which voted for Bush by 30% and 34% margins respectively. The other part of the 2nd, with 20% of the voters, is a slice of Sarpy County. This part of the 2nd is more Republican and closely mirrors the rest of the state's voting.

For their part, the Obama campaign is being clear they're making an effort. They've opened an office in Omaha. Just today, the campaign snagged the endorsement of Lilibet Hagel, wife of the very popular and renegade Republican Senator Chuck Hagel of Nebraska. (Sen. Hagel, a former friend of McCain, has declined to endorse anyone.)

The Republicans aren't taking this lying down. Recently, Gov. Palin herself did a campaign stop in Omaha.

Can the Obama campaign pick up a third of the districts voters who supported George W. Bush and win the district?

No public polling has looked at the district, but a handful of statewide polls have come out. McCain is unsurprisingly in a comfortable lead by a 19% margin in the most recent poll. Using the statewide result as a starting point and assuming that the 2nd district will vote a fixed amount more Democratic, we can estimate some possible scenarios.

SCENARIO 1: Current Pollster statewide margin for McCain +22.3
This scenario assumes that the strong Obama organizing machine will increase turnout a bit more in the almost Democratic Douglas County than Repbulican stronghold of Sarpy (10% versus 7.5%). It assumes that Sarpy votes the same way as the state and Douglas votes with a margin of 15% towards the Dems (a change of 7.5% for each candidate). Using Pollster's most recent calculation McCain wins the state and the 2nd district comfortably (in red).

SCENARIO 2: Obama's best showing in the polls (way back in February!); statewide margin for McCain +3.0
Same assumptions as the first scenario. In this unlikely electoral shocker, McCain squeaks out a win statewide, but Obama grabs a hold of the 2nd by a 9 point margin. If this is the way it turns out on election day, we wouldn't be facing an electoral tie, but an unprecedented nationwide landslide. If Obama could get within 3 points of McCain in Nebraska, he's winning a lot more states overall.

SCENARIO 3: Election decided by less than one vote per 2nd district precinct; statewide margin for McCain +12.2
Could we have a national election won by a thinner margin than the several hundred (that were counted) in Florida in 2000? Here we have a situation where Obama takes the White House thanks to 122 voters that decided to turn out and vote for him in Omaha, Nebraska. Unlikely, sure, but possible. Only in America...

*****

Now, of course, the campaigns have much more sophisticated tools for analysis than this. The Obama campaign is probably counting on a bigger turnout of their voters, though one shouldn't automatically assume that the Republican voters won't turn out in force.

What we have is a rough sketch of at what point Omaha becomes truly in play. Current polling suggests that it is still out of reach for Obama, but not necessarily a fools errand. If statewide polling for Nebraska shows it to be a 10-15% margin instead of the more recent 20% plus margin, pay attention, and start figuring out if you know anyone in Omaha who needs a voter pep talk before next month.

Turtle's Tips: Art!

This is the second of an occasional series of recommendations for philophical, consumer, and artistic consumption. It's admitedly from a guy who doesn't get out much but thinks he has something to offer anyways. I have no formal training that suggests I'm a qualified art critic. I just like what I like.

*****

Turtle's Art Tip: Abigail Woods Anderson

Abigail Woods Anderson* is a Minnesota-based artist with an eye for the detailed. Her water color, ink, and pencil pieces show her appreciation for nature, but maybe not in the way you most normally see it.

Anderson, like many artists, doesn't do art as a full time professional venture. She's occasionally but consistently selected for local exhibitions. Most recently she received second place in the watercolor category for the Minnesota State Fair Fine Arts Exhibition.

Title: Bittersweet and Tomatoes
Prismacolor on paper, 6"x8"

Title: The Hare Pauses, Never Idle

Prismacolor on paper, apx 6"x8"

Title: Oneiric Interval

Pencil and colored pencil on paper. 7.75" x 6.5". At the Groveland Gallery (612-377-7800)

You can see these and other examples of her art here.

I recommend her beautiful notecards. I just got another batch myself, hence the inspiration for this post. You can order 12 cards for $20 (free shipping) of any combination of the below six designs. Cards are professionally printed, full color with satin finish, blank inside with white envelopes. 4.5" x 6.25". Email awoodsanderson AT yahoo DOT com for ordering details.

* Noteworthy Disclaimer: The artist is a personal friend of mine. She made no request for help with promotion and I have not notified her of this posting. In fact, I'm worried she'll be annoyed.

Support arts education in Minneapolis

For all you Twin Citians, please consider coming to this weekend's Grand Opening of ArtiCulture's new location on Franklin Avenue. Drop in on Saturday, September 27, between 3:00 and 7:00 PM to see the space and support the work of this fabulous non-profit. You can make a whole outing of it and dine in at True Thai, which is in the same building, or head a few blocks towards the river to Raja's Mahal for Indian cuisine.

The event is free and will have activities for kids and adults alike, including artist demos, face painting, a clothesline sale of "affordable art" (under $35), and a Wall of Wine raffle!

On the later point, if you're interested in the Wall of Wine raffle (30 bottles of wine), you can get your $10 ticket ahead of time by contacting me through the comments if you are unable to make it Saturday.

Our daughter has taken several classes at ArtiCulture and has even celebrated her fourth birthday there. It's a great organization that exposes community members to all kinds of visual arts on a shoestring budget. Please consider supporting them today!

You can also check out their course offerings here [pdf]. Fall session starts in about a week!

Do not try this at home

I offer you, dear readers, some sage advice for free.

Say you happen to be a 30ish man who is a little soft in the middle. You don't really work out, because who has time with two kids? Forget that before the kids you didn't really work out either. So you're a bit out of shape, but you still can run (a little) and get on a bike. Besides the small beer gut and lack of physical activity, you're pretty healthy.

Say you have recently lost a few pounds and are feeling confident about your physical abilities. You then go on a family bike ride for 20 or so miles with a Burley in tow with a toddler. Afterwards you feel a little tired and sore, but pretty good.

The next day, you should not expand on your previous success by pulling the Burley with the toddler inside and a tag-a-long bike fourteen miles with 20 mile per hour wind on your side, pick up kindergartener from school, and ride with her "contribution" on the peddled tag-a-long the fourteen miles back with 20 mile per wind on your other side.

If you do that, despite my advice, you will find the entire journey will take over 3 hours (although it will seem like 6). Every slight incline will be met with horror as you try to drag the 100 pounds of girls and equipment latched to the back of your bike against gravity. Pain will emanate in every part of your legs, from the tips of your toes to your waist, and then spreading up your back. You'll fear to sit down, lest your body recalls for your pleasure every single bump you hit on the trail. Stairs will be a near impossibility for a number of hours. You will be incapable of helping out your sick wife with all the household tasks.

If you still don't take my advice, please, please, please, at least eat something before you go on this overly ambitious bike ride. When I say eat something, I mean more than a cracker and a dab of low-fat cottage cheese. And find some ways to repair your body upon return. I recommend laying on the floor and trying to stretch your muscles as your toddler crawls all over you. Eat a light meal and do so slowly so you don't throw up. Take two pills of ibuprofen (Advil) and drink a cool beer when your stomach is ready. Make sure you live next door to some neighbors with an outdoor hot tube they don't mind you using. Soak your body for as long as possible in the hot water. Try not to curse yourself too much about how stupid you were to try something you should have known better you were no where near able to do. Embarrass yourself by telling everyone you know about your bad judgment so that you'll remember not to overexert yourself like this ever again.


Hope you liked the advice. Now put it to use!

Happy 'Talk Like a Pirate Day'

Today, September 19, is "Talk Like a Pirate Day." Yessiree. It's that time of year when you can say "Argh Matey!" without embarrassment. OK, with less embarrassment after you explain that it's Talk Like a Pirate Day.

We're having a celebration with a bunch of friends tonight. The kids will get to dress up like pirates. (They are so excited!) The adults are going to create and enjoy some rum-based drinks. It'll be a swell time.

For another pirate related diversion, check out Sandra Miller's excellent true story that involves showing up at what she thought was a "slutty pirate party" only to discover it was really a more straight-up, fancy dinner party. Hilarity ensues.

Cheesy pirate joke of the day:

Question: What's a pirate's favorite sock?

Answer: Arrrrgyle!