Deconstructing relationship advice for women

I was searching for something to read and came across the wife's Women's Health magazine. After skimming through a profile of The Daily Show's Samantha Bee, the next page was the article 15 moments that define a relationship.

Ah, what wisdom will Women's Health impart to the female* masses?

Bold type are excerpts from the article, followed by my commentary. Their advice:

1. Your first talk till dawn
I suppose this makes sense. My wife is not a night person, so I don't think our 9 year relationship is completely solidified yet.

2. The first kiss
Sure, but often a first kiss is awkward and not of the fireworks variety. Does that mean the relationship is doomed? Doomed?!?
3. When he introduces you as "my girlfriend"
Because he's no longer completely embarrassed by you and will acknowledge knowing you!

4. The first morning after... "You want coffee?" he asks the next morning... Please, he' saying by the ease of his actions, stay.
Again, because it's all about how he feels, not you. I like that the guy being casual and politely offering coffee after sex means that he's a keeper.

5. Finding the nerve to say "I love you"... What if he stares at us blankly? What if we're saying it too soon...
It's all about how he responds to the proclamation, not when he says it or demonstrates it.

6. The first time you write "we" in an email to your friends
I remember this well--the codependency stage of the relationship.

7. The first time you fight and make up
I suppose this makes sense. Though my wife and I argued even before we were together--and still do!

8. The first trip together
I can't argue with this one. The most effective test of a relationship is the road trip. My first road trip with my future wife was a week into our relationship. We pilled ourselves and three others into the cramped Mazda Protege and drove 12 hours overnight to Michigan. Maybe they mean a roadtrip alone. Even so, the fact that we didn't kill each other or our companions on that nightmare drive boded well. There were some close moments...

9. The first time you grocery shop together
Nothing is as sexy and romantic as wading through a crowded grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, arguing over what kind of vegetable oil to get. This item goes on to say:
...to watch this man slip a family-sized Fruit Loops into the basket with a dopey grin on his face--that's when you realize you still have worlds to learn about each other.
Remember, it's all about you learning about him. He doesn't need to learn anything about you.

10. The first time he lets you control his car/remote/iPod I'm beginning to sense a theme. He gives you some time with the remote--he is so whipped; and he is so much in your clutches. And check out the accompanying picture! He's giving her the remote so that he can surf the web. How generous!

11. The moment you see a future with him
Does he see a future with you? Doesn't matter.

12. When you notice you are no longer primping for him
It worked the opposite way with my wife and I. It was a sign that our relationship was going somewhere when she successfully convinced me to do something about my hair style (or lack there-of) and to diversify my clothing selection.

13. Going to the doctor together for the first time... because now you need to be healthy for each other.
It's Women's Health magazine after all and they have to throw in something topical about being healthy.

14. When you care for something together
The examples of "something" they give are a "tomato garden" or a "drooling French bulldog." I still don't let anyone, including my wife, interfere with my tomato garden. What does that say about our relationship? We did have a plant early on. It died.

15. When you commit--we're talking long-term commit--to each other... it's a watershed moment when you find yourself so profoundly lucky that someone you adore so much feels exactly the same way about you.
The first instance in the list where his express thoughts about the relationship, versus "signs" like being offered coffee or a remote, count for something. I guess number 3 is him calling you his "girlfriend," but otherwise nothing else he says is considered a watershed moment in the relationship.

*****

* It appears the Women's Health doesn't have any advice for gay or bi women; or at least assume they don't read their magazine.