Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Hey, Sarcastic Turtle, whatdoyathink?

A new semi-regular series...



I have issues, many, one of them is how to handle a dog who weighs about the same as a person and is meaner than most people. I never thought I'd find an animal meaner than a human, but there ya go, I'm talented like that. What is the best method for taming my beast?

Signed,

diabetic drip

Meaner than most people? Clearly, you are not among those who have met Dick Cheney. Can any creature, great or small, senile or rabid, be more mean-spirited than Dick Cheney? This guy shot a friend in the face! I doubt your dog would do that--at least to a friend.

dickcheney

Like Dick Cheney, some beasts are untamable. So you got to do the next best thing: Containment. If that doesn't work, euthanasia. But the Sarcastic Turtle generally doesn't support the death penalty--even for treacherous, amoral villains like Dick Cheney.

You don't say how old the dog is. Can you wait him out a couple years? Or are you in for it in the long haul? It seems unfair to try to pass off your problem to someone else, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.

Big dogs are hard to handle. Sarcastic Turtle owns a dog who is a mere 33 pounds and hard to handle. If your dog is truly dangerous, there is only one solution and you know what it is. Otherwise, it's like a marriage in which divorce is nearly impossible. I'm afraid you're stuck.

At least you're not living with Dick Cheney.


Mr. Turtle,
How come nobody takes me seriously on my blog?
Thanks for helping,
Thomas

From what I can tell, your "blog" has one post. I guess technically, a blog can contain any number of posts, just like a diary could just be one entry. But in the words of G.O.B. Bluth: "COME ON!"

Clearly, your question is not serious. That, or you're an incredibly irrational person who expects great things to come to you with little effort and is perpetually disappointed.

Your blog posting even got several comments and thumbs, so that ain't so bad. You even got a comment from Open Salon's favorite troll. Skeptic Turtle's first post got zero comments or ratings. The second got a mere four comments (one of which was from him). How pathetic! If you’re hurt because the troll doesn’t take you seriously, don’t worry. That troll doesn’t take anyone seriously, including him or herself. (Breaking news: that troll is secretly Joan Walsh.)

Your post is pretty good too. If a bit long. But the Sarcastic Turtle should be careful in criticizing others for lack of brevity. It's that whole not throwing stones from a glass house thing.


Dear Sarcastic, can a foil hat actually keep the CIA from bending my thoughts? Does it have to be heavy-duty, or will regular foil work?

P.S. I need an answer before Xmas eve, so I can be prepared when Santa breaks in.

Again, a letter writer who we assume is being silly. If not, we're dealing with a deranged individual and I have to be careful that my location cannot be traced.

Are you implying that Santa is in league with the CIA? If so, fear not. Santa works solo. What his game is, I don't know. But his agenda is his own.

The CIA's influence is exaggerated. They’re government employees. The same kind of civil servants that have mismanaged the IRS, the Defense Department, the Army Corps of Engineers, and FEMA. Even with the thought-bending technology handed to them on a platter, they'd probably take twenty years to get around to using it in any effective way.

No, you have to worry about the private sector. And their ability to pollute your mind cannot be deflected by a simple foil. Turn off the TV. Stop looking at billboards. Stop surfing the internet. Don't use your phone. Don't even open a phonebook. Keep a 10 mile radius between you and a mall at all times. Never engage with a conversation with someone in sales of any kind. These undercover agents are everywhere!

Basically you must leave society behind. Cut off all contact with other humans. Only then will you be free of outside corrupting influences. Well, that'd be true if it weren't for the inevitable voices in your head. Those voices may or may not be of your own invention.

In summation, do what you have to do, but don't think foil will make any damn difference.

P.S. Stay away from that sneaky pervert who calls himself Santa Claus. Even the CIA doesn't know what he's up to.


The Sarcastic Turtle is here to help. (Or not.) Send any manner of question via email to the Sarcastic Turtle at sarcasticturtle@gmail.com.

Questions can be submitted anonymously or not. Your call.