My six year old lost her third tooth this spring. She pulled it out before breakfast after I told her that her friend had that very same tooth accidentally kicked out by a brother the night before. (It had been loose.) My daughter didn't want to be left behind and twisted the loose bugger out. She bled some, but blood and pain have never really bothered her.
That night it was time for the Tooth Fairy. We remind her matter-of-factly to put her tooth under her pillow. While I help her little sister brush her teeth, the six year old tells her mom that she "doesn't believe that the Tooth Fairy exists."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because the Tooth Fairy is magic and I don't believe that magic is real."
At this point a parent has two options: Come clean or double down and convince her the Tooth Fairy is real. As skeptics hoping to inspire skepticism in our own children, the wife chooses Door Number One.
"Who do you think takes your tooth then?"
Our daughter is actually puzzled by this, she hadn't thought it out that far. After a moment she reads her mom's expression.
"You? Do you take my teeth?"
"Yes. Well, actually your dad does it."
"Why?"
"Because your dad and I are excited for you for losing your baby teeth and it's a fun way to celebrate it."
I enter the room as she asks our daughter not to spoil the fun by telling her classmates. Frankly, I could care less if she told some kids, but I don't want their parents coming after me. Evidentally, the mother of a childhood friend of mine still blames me for telling her son the "truth" about Santa Claus (even though I didn't).
I posted this development on Facebook as an end to an era. A couple of friends, one with kids, one without, expressed deep sadness. That the end of childhood magic was a profound loss.
I'm not sad at all. I don't want to infantilize my children. They should be encouraged to think for themselves and question the world as presented to them. It was fine to have the Tooth Fairy fantasy for a bit (some hard-core skeptics and atheists would reject those completely), but things run their course.
One friend lamented the loss of magic and wrote "I hope she will soon learn that magic can indeed exist, but in different ways."
I hope that too, though I wouldn't use the word magic. The world has enough real life mystery and wonders to provoke our imaginations. We can enjoy fictional fantasies too without believing they are real.
My daughter is interested in nature and science. There will always be mysteries in our universe to ponder over and solve. Even though she is a very literal minded kid, her favorite book right now is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a fantastical, quite unbelievable story.
I have at times tried to shelter my kids from reality. I turn off the news when stories of mass bombings in Iraq surface. But kids aren't dumb and can figure things out. They ask questions and we shouldn't fear answering them. Why try to stunt their development?
When I was five, I believe most of my peers were told that babies came storks or hospitals. My mom felt she should just tell me the truth. I escaped trauma. I don't think many five year olds today are given the stork explanation, but we still seem to have a lot of ways we keep our kids in a cloud of ignorance.
We found ourselves telling our six year old about sex when a dinnertime conversation went from how many bones are in the body, to what is the pelvis, to what is the uterus, to how does the sperm from the father actually "get" inside the mother anyways?
When tooth number four came out last week, she was excited to clean it off, put it under the pillow, and discover a gold coin the next morning. Less mysterious, but still "magical" and fun!
She asked me what I did with her teeth. I told her I save the teeth along with nail clippings to help create the Naglfar ship when Ragnarök dawns. In response to her puzzled look, I promised I'd tell her about the Norse myths sometime soon.
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Yet as you can tell from my most recent post, I'm in a pretty wispy place right now as the kidlet has just turned 3. Of course I want her to know the truths of life and not live in magical fantasyland. But I do admit to wanting to stop time and protecting the innocence and openheartedness for the onslaught of the world we live in.
Sigh...
Teendoc, I hear you. It's certainly a tension between wanting them to learn about and being part of the world and protecting them from the cynicism of us adults. Even at three years old. I see the job as a parent as both equipping our kids to be responsible and well functioning people, as well as equipping them to see life as a wonderful and happy thing. Easier said than done.
We never had any tooth fairies at my house when I was a kid. Too many kids, and not enough coins. But I still remember when I first realized that SAnta Claus wasn't real. A kid in my second grade class told the teacher, who was my mother, "I know who Santa Claus is. It's your father." I was standing right there, and I remember thinking, "Yeah, that makes sense." So I think I wasn't a real believer anyway, but just sort of went along with the game and enjoyed the toys. And tolerated the clothes.
There are mysteries enough in the real world to marvel at, as you say. And it seems to me that setting children up for a heart breaking discovery that they've been lied to is setting the parents up to lose their childrens trust, and all for the sake of perpetuating something that isn't real in the first place.
My mother saved all my baby teeth. I have them in a little pill bottle. It's amazing to hold these tiny hard bits of me that I made myself so many years ago. I think the mystery of that far outweighs the loss of the pretend magic of the Tooth Fairy.
Good for you and your wife for respecting your daughter's perspective of the world and answering her questions truthfully as they arise. And for saving room for the enchantment of myths and fantasies as well.
I agree with you; there's plenty of magic and wonder in real life. No need to invent it.
Your daughter is very sensible. I do think though that children really love a cool, inexplicable surprise, even if they know Mom and Dad are really the ones in charge of producing them. My nephew knew there was no Santa, but every Christmas morning, my brother and sister in law had some surprise waiting for him in the morning that hadn't been there when he went to bed. It was fun, Nathan loved the surprises, and Alan and Linda loved planning them.
I remember being amused when my son declared that obviously the Easter Bunny was fake - while never doubting Santa Claus. Now (a few years later) he enjoys being the Big Kid who knows the secrets behind the magic. I didn't have a Santa experience when I was a child, but as a parent I don't feel that it's not magical. What's more unlikely: That Santa would exist? Or that 100 million adults would conspire to make his deeds come true? Seems kind of "indistinguishable" to me.