Deconstructing relationship advice for women

I was searching for something to read and came across the wife's Women's Health magazine. After skimming through a profile of The Daily Show's Samantha Bee, the next page was the article 15 moments that define a relationship.

Ah, what wisdom will Women's Health impart to the female* masses?

Bold type are excerpts from the article, followed by my commentary. Their advice:

1. Your first talk till dawn
I suppose this makes sense. My wife is not a night person, so I don't think our 9 year relationship is completely solidified yet.

2. The first kiss
Sure, but often a first kiss is awkward and not of the fireworks variety. Does that mean the relationship is doomed? Doomed?!?
3. When he introduces you as "my girlfriend"
Because he's no longer completely embarrassed by you and will acknowledge knowing you!

4. The first morning after... "You want coffee?" he asks the next morning... Please, he' saying by the ease of his actions, stay.
Again, because it's all about how he feels, not you. I like that the guy being casual and politely offering coffee after sex means that he's a keeper.

5. Finding the nerve to say "I love you"... What if he stares at us blankly? What if we're saying it too soon...
It's all about how he responds to the proclamation, not when he says it or demonstrates it.

6. The first time you write "we" in an email to your friends
I remember this well--the codependency stage of the relationship.

7. The first time you fight and make up
I suppose this makes sense. Though my wife and I argued even before we were together--and still do!

8. The first trip together
I can't argue with this one. The most effective test of a relationship is the road trip. My first road trip with my future wife was a week into our relationship. We pilled ourselves and three others into the cramped Mazda Protege and drove 12 hours overnight to Michigan. Maybe they mean a roadtrip alone. Even so, the fact that we didn't kill each other or our companions on that nightmare drive boded well. There were some close moments...

9. The first time you grocery shop together
Nothing is as sexy and romantic as wading through a crowded grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, arguing over what kind of vegetable oil to get. This item goes on to say:
...to watch this man slip a family-sized Fruit Loops into the basket with a dopey grin on his face--that's when you realize you still have worlds to learn about each other.
Remember, it's all about you learning about him. He doesn't need to learn anything about you.

10. The first time he lets you control his car/remote/iPod I'm beginning to sense a theme. He gives you some time with the remote--he is so whipped; and he is so much in your clutches. And check out the accompanying picture! He's giving her the remote so that he can surf the web. How generous!

11. The moment you see a future with him
Does he see a future with you? Doesn't matter.

12. When you notice you are no longer primping for him
It worked the opposite way with my wife and I. It was a sign that our relationship was going somewhere when she successfully convinced me to do something about my hair style (or lack there-of) and to diversify my clothing selection.

13. Going to the doctor together for the first time... because now you need to be healthy for each other.
It's Women's Health magazine after all and they have to throw in something topical about being healthy.

14. When you care for something together
The examples of "something" they give are a "tomato garden" or a "drooling French bulldog." I still don't let anyone, including my wife, interfere with my tomato garden. What does that say about our relationship? We did have a plant early on. It died.

15. When you commit--we're talking long-term commit--to each other... it's a watershed moment when you find yourself so profoundly lucky that someone you adore so much feels exactly the same way about you.
The first instance in the list where his express thoughts about the relationship, versus "signs" like being offered coffee or a remote, count for something. I guess number 3 is him calling you his "girlfriend," but otherwise nothing else he says is considered a watershed moment in the relationship.

*****

* It appears the Women's Health doesn't have any advice for gay or bi women; or at least assume they don't read their magazine.

Good news: Amazon saved

Amazon bookstore (no not Amazon.com) has been saved at the last minute as it prepared to shut its doors permanently. Earlier this spring we learned that the long-standing Minneapolis feminist bookstore was up for sale. The Minneapolis institution has struggled over the past several years. The employee-owners were ready to move on and had begun a search to find a new owner. Several prospective buyers expressed interest, but nothing came through.

I was in the store about two weeks ago. They had a going out of business sale for their entire stock. I asked the manager, Barb, how long they were going to keep their doors open and she told me they'd finish up by the end of the month. She told me she hoped that maybe whoever took over the lease might open a bookstore because it would be great for the neighborhood.

Amy Goetzman at Minn Post tells the story of how a buyer came through at the last minute. The new owner has lots of plans, including the possibility of changing it's name. Those worried that it will lose it's feminist edge may take some comfort that the new owner, Ruta Skujins, owns "two lesbian publishing houses."

So, sometimes good things happen. One suggestion I would have for a new name would be The Phoenix, because it has arisen from its own ashes.

Quote: McCain and Roe v. Wade

Robyn E. Blumner writes that we should take McCain at his word that he is a true conservative. Indeed, in some important areas he is a solid, far-right kind of guy. Blumner wrote yesterday a commentary in the St. Petersburg Times called Why McCain should worry women. In truth, McCain should worry men as well.

She writes, in part:

"You want to know what's coming with a McCain presidency? How about the overturning of Roe vs. Wade. I'm not kidding. The latest case to reach the U.S. Supreme Court on abortion made it clear that the two newest justices, John Roberts and Samuel Alito, will vote for substantial incursions into abortion rights, if not their outright elimination. It turns out that Roe isn't a "super-duper" precedent after all. It's now hanging by the thread of 87-year-old Justice John Paul Stevens' continued vitality."

She goes on to reproduce part of the exchange I wrote about here that linked to Cristina Page's essay on McCain and reproductive rights.

Amazon Bookstore for sale

According to the Minnesota Women's Press, the Amazon Bookstore cooperative is being put up for sale. The bookstore is the oldest feminist bookstore in North America and has been a worker-owned cooperative for all of its history.

Amazon has struggled in recent years. Kicked out of their Loring Park location, they bought into a space on Chicago Ave in South Minneapolis. They had some financial troubles there with a unanticipated property tax burden and an unsuccessful coffee shop and moved further down the street to their current location at 48th and Chicago. In 1999, they got in a lawsuit with Amazon.com, winning an undisclosed, but apparently not sizable, settlement.

Amazon's current location is on a great corner, near restaurants, a movie theater, and a family-friendly coffee shop. If a neighborhood-based bookstore is going to be successful, I would think this would be an ideal spot.


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The Women's Press quotes longtime employee-owner Barb Wiesner on the financial health of the store:

Although the store hasn't made a profit in a couple of years, said Wieser, "It's in relatively good shape, which is a testament to the generosity of the community, that we've been able to carry on. We have a good location, a good website, a long-term lease," she said, ticking off the positives. "I think the right owners, with some energy and resources, could revitalize the store. There is a lot of good stuff here."

The store is friendly and inviting and has a decent children's section. They sell a limited number of used books and videos in the basement. The basement can be used for book group and other meetings for free. While it is a feminist bookstore with the offers one might guess would go along with that, it is also a general interest bookstore with a broad array of offerings. You can also order just about any book through the store, via their website or in person.

Here's to hoping for some new owners that can keep this neighborhood gem healthy and vibrant. Clearly, some changes may have to be made to make it more profitable. The first thing I would do if I were them would host many more author and other types of events. They do have occasional events, but they have to give people a reason to come to the store with some regularity. This month, singer Ellis will be performing to benefit the store.

I suspect that people who haven't been in the store think that it is probably only feminist books. While I doubt they have Ann Coulter's latest diatribe on display, they have most of the typical selections you'll find in any other bookstore. I suspect the store needs to get the word out more that they are BOTH a wonderful feminist resource AND a valuable, friendly, welcoming neighborhood bookstore.

Today's Quote: Marriage

This month's Atlantic magazine features an essay that no doubt sparks a bit of controversy: The Case for settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. It's a lengthy and thoughtful piece, written from the perspective of a woman in her 40s who has decided to have a child by herself, attributing her lack of husband to being too picky in her 20s and 30s.

She questions what it means to be single and what it means to be married. At one point she describes marriage in the following, non-romantic way:

"It sounds obvious now, but I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way."

I guess it's a little more optimistic than Marge Simpson, who once said: "Marriage is a constant battle for moral superiority." Or more on point, Edna Krabappel who said, "Ha ha ha. Children, most of you will never fall in love, but marry out of fear of dying alone."

Still, the comparison with running a nonprofit enterprise strikes me as spot on. I would say that it is definitely desirable to want to take vacations with your spouse, though. In fact, I think taking a trip with someone is a great test to the long-term potential of the relationship. You are in close proximity for a length of time. It's an opportunity to connect and have fun together. And of course all traveling involves lots of opportunities to negotiate and deal with unanticipated problems compounded by lack of sleep and stress!

In all seriousness, Gottlieb makes some good points about how we think about romance and marriage. She theorizes that "settling" means more and is increasingly difficult the older you get because you get more set in your ways and accustomed to the independence of being single. Still, there is much to criticize. It is hard for me to understand the perspective of a never-married, single mother in her 40s on issues of marriage, but she has a bit too much confidence with some of her assertions.

Like this one: "...every woman I know—no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure—feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried.

"Oh, I know—I’m guessing there are single 30-year-old women reading this right now who will be writing letters to the editor to say that the women I know aren’t widely representative, that I’ve been co-opted by the cult of the feminist backlash, and basically, that I have no idea what I’m talking about. And all I can say is, if you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying. In fact, take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you’re not worried, because you’ll see how silly your face looks when you’re being disingenuous."

My guess is that there are plenty of single 30 year-old women who are not in denial and perfectly fine not jumping on the marriage bandwagon. Here's one right off the bat from Feministing.com. (The shortened response is here.) Yes, there may be a large segment of the population that has unrealistic expectations of marriage and child-rearing and find themselves running out of time. But I doubt it is universal. Hardly anything is.

Voice of feminism

Having worked in the advocacy non-profit community, I've seen a wide spectrum in sophistication from advocacy organizations. There are some small, grassroots organizations out there with just a couple staff that are incredibly effective at what they do. Then there are the groups, big and small, which simply take donations and make lots of noise, and often cause trouble for the other groups who are actually making a difference. It can be distressing sometimes.

I suspect that the New York chapter of the National Organization for Women falls into the ineffective category. It's hard to have a favorable impression of them when their president releases this statement:

Women have just experienced the ultimate betrayal. Senator Kennedy’s endorsement of Hillary Clinton’s opponent in the Democratic presidential primary campaign has really hit women hard. Women have forgiven Kennedy, stuck up for him, stood by him, hushed the fact that he was late in his support of Title IX, the ERA, the Family Leave and Medical Act to name a few. Women have buried their anger that his support for the compromises in No Child Left Behind and the Medicare bogus drug benefit brought us the passage of these flawed bills. We have thanked him for his ardent support of many civil rights bills, BUT women are always waiting in the wings.

And now the greatest betrayal! We are repaid with his abandonment! He’s picked the new guy over us. He’s joined the list of progressive white men who can’t or won’t handle the prospect of a woman president who is Hillary Clinton (they will of course say they support a woman president, just not “this” one).

It goes on from there. Thanks to Feministing.com for flagging this

One wonders why many women are hesitant to embrace the term "feminist" even when they seem to hold such viewpoints. Who wants to be in company with people like the author of the above missive?

Disturbing television

From VH1 comes a one-hour documentary about 6 year-olds in beauty pageants. Great. It's sad enough that these events take place at all. But VH1 is jumping in to broadcast girls competing to look like spooky, tarted-up dolls to the masses.

I have not seen the show and don't plan to. So, I can't really comment on the content. Needless to say, labeling a six year-old girl as "the Flirt" doesn't bode well. Who are these people who feel comfortable tartin- up kindergarteners?

(Thanks to Feministing.com for highlighting this sad show.)

little beauties: ultimate kiddie queen showdown



Directly from the VH1 website:

Move over Miss America! The Little Beauties are coming to town! They're gorgeous, they're talented, they're six-years old and with the helping hand of eager moms, determined pageant coaches, fabulous spray tan artists and "flipper" (fake teeth) makers, not to mention a couple of Pixie Sticks for energy, these girls are taking the stage at pageants all over the Southeast U.S for the chance to win cash prizes and crowns!

Little Beauties: Ultimate Kiddie Queen Showdown is a one-hour documentary special that will take a light-hearted look into the wonderful world of children's beauty pageants through the eyes of four, precocious six-year old girls. This documentary reveals the humor and love behind an American tradition; the always colorful characters on the pageant circuit; and the "sparkle" it takes to win a crown.

What We Will See:

The girls preparing for and competing in two of the biggest pageant on the circuit

Interviews with girls, mothers, a coach, pageant directors, spray tanner and "flipper" (fake teeth) maker,

Narration by "The Voice of Pageants" himself, the fabulous Mr. Tim

Glamorous crowning ceremonies

Practice sessions at home and with the indomitable Miss Nikki, one of the best coaches on the pageant circuit

The girls at home/at school in their normal environments, with family and friends, participating in extracurricular/sports activities

Spray tanning sessions

"Flipper" (fake teeth) fittings

Who We Will Meet:

Joanna, 6 years old - The Reigning Champ

Aleena, 6 years old - The Flirt

Kynnedy, 6 years old - The Diva

Jordan, 6 years old - The Longshot

Terry - Aleena's mom / Spray tan artist

Kim - Kynnedy's mom

Eddie - Kynnedy's dad

Charlene - Jordan's mom

Laurie - Joanna's Mom

Mr. Tim - Narrator / Pageant emcee

Miss Nikki - Pageant coach

Michael Booth - Director, America's Fabulous Faces

Carol Stephens - Director, International Total Miss

Ray Smith - Pageant judge / entertainer

Feminist girls rock

Imagine that! Equality, respect, and choices are good for relationships...

Feminism And Romance Go Hand In Hand