Do not try this at home

I offer you, dear readers, some sage advice for free.

Say you happen to be a 30ish man who is a little soft in the middle. You don't really work out, because who has time with two kids? Forget that before the kids you didn't really work out either. So you're a bit out of shape, but you still can run (a little) and get on a bike. Besides the small beer gut and lack of physical activity, you're pretty healthy.

Say you have recently lost a few pounds and are feeling confident about your physical abilities. You then go on a family bike ride for 20 or so miles with a Burley in tow with a toddler. Afterwards you feel a little tired and sore, but pretty good.

The next day, you should not expand on your previous success by pulling the Burley with the toddler inside and a tag-a-long bike fourteen miles with 20 mile per hour wind on your side, pick up kindergartener from school, and ride with her "contribution" on the peddled tag-a-long the fourteen miles back with 20 mile per wind on your other side.

If you do that, despite my advice, you will find the entire journey will take over 3 hours (although it will seem like 6). Every slight incline will be met with horror as you try to drag the 100 pounds of girls and equipment latched to the back of your bike against gravity. Pain will emanate in every part of your legs, from the tips of your toes to your waist, and then spreading up your back. You'll fear to sit down, lest your body recalls for your pleasure every single bump you hit on the trail. Stairs will be a near impossibility for a number of hours. You will be incapable of helping out your sick wife with all the household tasks.

If you still don't take my advice, please, please, please, at least eat something before you go on this overly ambitious bike ride. When I say eat something, I mean more than a cracker and a dab of low-fat cottage cheese. And find some ways to repair your body upon return. I recommend laying on the floor and trying to stretch your muscles as your toddler crawls all over you. Eat a light meal and do so slowly so you don't throw up. Take two pills of ibuprofen (Advil) and drink a cool beer when your stomach is ready. Make sure you live next door to some neighbors with an outdoor hot tube they don't mind you using. Soak your body for as long as possible in the hot water. Try not to curse yourself too much about how stupid you were to try something you should have known better you were no where near able to do. Embarrass yourself by telling everyone you know about your bad judgment so that you'll remember not to overexert yourself like this ever again.


Hope you liked the advice. Now put it to use!